What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:11
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But, we were locked up after school.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Put me off passion for life!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I will be 64.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Do the British people realize how much American people absolutely despise them?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So, i spoilt her more .
And i lived it daily.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My family never makes their pension either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it wasn’t much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We all went to grammer schools
Was to survive, this bastard.
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She loved him until the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He knew the spot.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ive learnt so much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Who then, do I blame.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
All the time i was locked up.
Im still living with it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I have no regrets .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was seconnd youngest,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot live in the past .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.